What I wish I had known when I was 11

This year I’ve been on a transformational journey, training to become a facilitator to run groups for pre-teen girls with the organisation Rites For Girls. I first read about this initiative in the Sunday Times in 2022 and knew instantly I’d want my own daughter to go to a Girl’s Journeying Together group when she was old enough. The girls’ groups are aimed at 10-12 year olds (in year 6 and 7) to support them through the transition from primary to secondary school. Through fun activities they focus on building lasting confidence for the girls in trusting their feelings and knowing how to manage them and feeling more at ease in their changing bodies. I quickly realised more than just wanting my daughter to experience this, I wanted to do the facilitator training to put this out into the world myself. "Become the woman you needed when you were 11” the website boldly and compellingly claimed, and I was hooked.

I kept returning to the website scouring every word, trying to find a reason not to do it. But I couldn’t. I knew deep in my bones this was for me, despite a multitude of reasons and challenges daring me not to do it - the cost and commitment, time away from my family missing not one but both my children’s birthdays, taking time out (nearly 4 weeks of residential training days) from my self-employed business when I’m the sole breadwinner for my family, and traveling across the country to attend the training on the doorstep of my own childhood home (and trauma) - of all the places it could be. Still not enough to stop me.

As part of the training, we experienced the year-long Girls Journeying Together Group in its entirety as our 11-year-old selves or ‘wirls’ (woman/ girls) as we became affectionately known to our trainers. The thinking behind this is so that we deeply embedded and absorbed the programme as our 11-year-old selves, which is also an incredibly healing journey for our younger parts. It’s also a lot easier to deliver what you’ve experienced yourself.

The other half of the training is focused on grounding and exploratory work to integrate our professional adult woman working with pre-teen girls, enabling us to more authentically ‘show up’ deeply connected to ourselves. 

My inner 11-year-old (at age 44) learnt so many things I wish I had always known.

·       Feelings are never wrong. They’re just telling me I need something.

·       I’m ok exactly as I am, with all my similarities and differences. There’s no need to try and fit in. I belong just as I am.

·       I can trust in myself. I have everything I need right here inside myself.

·       There is so much joy and pleasure to be found that can enrich my life and help me through tough times. As I grow up, it’s increasingly my own responsibility to find this and make it part of my life. I’ll always be pleased when I do.

This last one is something I’m really embracing. I’ve rediscovered my childhood love for creativity - drawing, art, writing poems, making up silly games (with my own kids now rather than my siblings). I prioritise pleasure whether that’s committing to my weekly swim, a run at sunrise or putting the screens away and having a ‘crafternoon’ with my daughter.

Maverick Mums has also played a big part in providing a community of like-minded women and opportunities for me to explore what brings me joy – whether that’s wild swimming, paddleboarding, SUP yoga at sunset, climbing mountains or tracking elephants in the Nambian Wilderness.

Some of these nuggets of wisdom have taken me decades of adult life to realise, let alone embody. Imagine these precious seeds being planted in our girls at age 10, and how powerful embedding that deep sense of self-assured ‘inner knowing’ is.

“ Imagine these precious seeds being planted in our girls at age 10, and how powerful embedding that deep sense of self-assured ‘inner knowing’ is. ”

I feel so proud of myself for completing the 27 residential training days despite all the barriers that dared me not to do it. I also know the deep and transformational personal journey I’ve been on. It’s been painful, triggering and at times overwhelming, but I’ve continued to show up and be true to myself throughout.

I feel more capable of holding my own disappointments, sadness and grief with kindness and self-compassion. I feel more whole and accepting of myself. I feel like I am equipped with a great toolkit to look after myself and give myself what I need, whether that’s headspace, connection or the pleasure of adventure and time in nature in the great outdoors.

I’m in the right place to be there for the girls, grateful to know and accept myself just as I am. This makes me sure I can hold that space for the girls to explore who they are, allowing them to trust themselves with their differences and similarities and feel completely comfortable in their own skin – because I do. It’s such a powerful foundation they can take forward into their journey into womanhood. The work is preventative, helping to keep girls free of the mental health issues so prevalent in teens today. It’s certainly something I know would have been life changing had I experienced it at that age.

As the end of this year approaches, I feel excited for what’s to come. Empowered, deeply connected to myself and exactly the woman I needed in my life when I was 11.

If you have a daughter, or know a girl, aged 10-12 who would benefit from being supported to feel more at ease with herself as she’s starting to experience lots of changes both inside and out, having lots of fun and making good friends along the way – click here to find out more and sign up to a FREE taster session. My next Girls Journeying Together group starts in Wells in Spring 2025.

If you’re interested in finding out more about training to be a Girls Journeying Together Facilitator, and becoming the woman you needed when you were 11, there is another facilitator training next year enrolling now. You can find out more here.