The Trouble with Mother’s Day…

Maverick Mum Ronnie reflects on her first Mother’s Day when her son was about 2 months old…

I spent most of it in tears.

Not that tears were particularly unusual in those early days, to be honest, but these were particularly full of anguish.

I’d been hoping for a card and some flowers, maybe even a gift to say ‘Thank you’ and acknowledge me in my new role as a mother — a role I was not finding easy. Maybe breakfast in bed and a trip to a café for lunch, and even a baby free nap in the afternoon?

Nope. None of the above.

A friend texted me to say: “Hope your boys are spoiling you rotten!” and it made me curl up in a ball. It confirmed I wasn’t being unreasonable to expect these things, and therefore the reason I hadn’t got them was obviously because I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I was failing, and not worthy of recognition.

As I lay there, in a body I no longer recognised, exhausted and dishevelled, my feelings started to shift though, from those of self-pity to anger, resentment, and dare I say it — rage?! (There were still a LOT of postpartum hormones flying around.)

What I actually needed to say to my husband was: “I’m hurt and hurting.” But of course rage, whilst uncomfortable, feels so much safer than expressing hurt. It avoids the vulnerability.

I don’t think either my husband or I will forgot that day. If you inverted the most saccharine Instagram post of Mother’s Day to its absolute polar opposite — that was us. It was a total mess!

When I later shared this story with a friend who had two tween daughters, she sighed in recognition: “Yep, I get it. Ours have been on a loop of horror for years.”

She shared how Mother’s Day just seemed to bring out the worst in her family. How the daughters would feel under pressure to produce the ‘perfect gift’ and end up competing with one another. How, as a result, at least one, if not both, would end up in a fit of pique and jealousy on the actual day. How this in turn would ignite resentment in my friend by tainting what was meant to be ‘her day’ with negativity, and erasing her pleasure in the gifts. Her husband, in an effort to turn things around would overcompensate with grand gestures that left her worried about their bank balance, rather than being able to relax. And usually by the end they were all so frazzled and frayed with one another that she ended up feeling like a failure as a mother, because their family seemed in such discord.

And the thing is, I really don’t think my friend and I are alone! So what is going on?! How is it that a day meant to be celebrating mothers and making them feel great, is in many cases making them feel worse than they did before?!

One answer is in the mismatching of our personal expectations with the actual experience that comes our way. And of course, those big red-letter days can really raise our expectations.

In her amazing book: ‘Atlas of the Heart’, Brené Brown talks about the inter-relationship between expectations and disappointment, and the necessity of reality checking our expectations to maximise our joy and minimise frustration. In her book, Brené recalls an example of her first birthday after getting married, not dissimilar to my first Mother’s Day — where there had been no card, no note, and no banners from her husband. She was a whole lot more constructive though, and took the scenario to her therapist (albeit in a similar state of self-righteous anger).

Her therapist asked: “Did you communicate your expectations to your husband?” and BB’s response was: “Look, if I have to ask, it’s not worth it, ok?!” and the therapist replied: “If you’re not asking for what’s important to you, perhaps you’re saying: ‘You’re not worth it’”.

WOW!! (and ouch, right?!) That is a twist in the tale!

Had I communicated my expectations or desires for Mother’s Day? No. No I most definitely had not.

Did my husband have the skill of telepathy that enabled him to know and understand my family’s script of how Mother’s Day ‘should’ be celebrated? Na-hah. Not one bit.

Had my friend shared that what was most important for her was that they have fun together as a family, without the pressure of ‘perfect’ gifts? No, no she had not.

All we’d communicated was a retrospective “NOT THIS!!”

So, as Mother’s Day ‘Take Two’ approached, I thought carefully about what I wanted and shared with my husband that what I would really love was a lie-in, followed by a cup of coffee in bed and to go to a pottery workshop. I shared how this would give me a real boost and an opportunity for some protected creative time, which was something I really craved since becoming a Mum.

I can not express how much courage it took for me to ask for what I wanted so clearly. I had rehearsed for days, and the vulnerability I felt when I asked was still super intense. I had to block out the many inner voices saying how selfish, self-indulgent and self-entitled I was for having the audacity to ask for a gift. I mean, who the hell was I?! As I uttered the words there was a significant part of me poised and ready for my request (and essentially me, in my mind), to be rejected.

But instead, my husband smiled and thanked me and I watched as his shoulders quite visibly relaxed…apparently he’d been terrified of getting it ‘wrong’ (he hadn’t forgotten the previous year either!) and had been wracking his brain for weeks about what to do and get me. Poor sod.

So, on “The Day”, I received a cup of coffee in bed with a card, and the details of a weekly pottery course that ran for a whole term…much more than the one day workshop I had been expecting. I felt seen, acknowledged, and treasured with that gift, and not just by my husband, but by me.

So maybe Mother’s day isn’t that troublesome after all; if you pave the way for your expectations to be met?

It’s certainly ended up giving me one of the most important gifts: the lesson that it is ok to ask not only for what you need, but also what you want; and that those you love, may even thank you for it.

If becoming a Mum has left you disconnected from your needs, or feeling unable to meet them, feel free to get in touch. You most definitely are not alone, and it most definitely does not have to be that way!