With only 1 week to go until Maverick Mums embark on The Matriarch Adventure in Namibia, Maverick Mum Laura shares her story and motivations to step out of her comfort zone and into the wild!

As I anticipate my upcoming adventure to track elephants in the Namibian desert with a group of like-spirited intrepid women from Somerset, I’m pondering over which aspect of the trip I’m most afraid of.

Is it taking a shovel and sh*tting behind a rock while praying not to get diarrhoea or constipation (I haven’t decided yet which is worse), worrying about scary critters waiting to bite me on the bum whilst having a wild wee (my kids have put this one in my head), looking up only to see a leopard crouched high in a tree ready to pounce…? Or is it the total lack of washing facilities we’ll have whilst wild camping, and the scarily hairy legs, pits, and monobrow I’m going to have by the end of the 10-day trip?

I’m about to go on the trip of a lifetime, certainly the trip of my lifetime so far. I never did the ‘travelling thing’ when I was younger, and I’ve only been on one flight in the last 10 years (and I’m not sure that even counts as it was a work trip, to Germany). Yet I find myself about to fly solo to Namibia to join a group of Maverick Mums and embark on the Matriarch Adventure, where we’ll be working with a conservation organisation called EHRA (Elephant Human Relations Aid) to collect data on where the desert elephants are. We’ll be sleeping under the stars, doing dawn yoga under flame-red skies, and tracking the elusive desert elephants in the heart of the Namibian wilderness in Damaraland. The Matriarch Adventure is the dreamchild of Catherine Edsell (an adventurer, conservationist, and global expedition leader) and is described as a transformational extreme wilderness expedition encouraging women to ‘step into the wild.’

From the moment I heard about the trip and watched Catherine’s TED Talk I knew I had to go. I felt so drawn to it. I just didn’t know if, or how, I could really justify it. My family had just moved house for the 3rd time in 4 years and relocated back to Somerset. My priority was focused on settling and integrating my family into our new lives. It wasn’t the right time to be thinking of launching myself out of my comfort zone to find my ‘wild’.

I connected with Rhiannon (founder of the Maverick Mums community) which was both inspiring (she lives and breathes her philosophy that there’s no one way to be a mum, and that embracing adventure can change our lives for the better) and perfectly timed as to what I needed at that moment in my life.

First of all, I joined the SUP club and started to meet like-minded women. Then I started open water swimming at Vobster Quay, using the fact I’d booked myself onto one of their Full Moon swims at the end of November as a goal to make it a regular weekly habit. If I went every week, surely by then I’d be a hardcore acclimatised cold-water swimmer, right? Well, I’ve just swum through my first winter and can confirm, every good thing you’ve ever heard about open-water swimming is true! (As Caitlin Moran said recently “Who needs drugs, when I can get off my face cold water swimming?”)

Fast forward to March this year. We’d been settled in our new home for a year, and I’d just climbed Snowdon (my first mountain) with a courageous group of Maverick Mums after climbing a very personal metaphorical one (which I’ll get to). I returned from my mountain climb totally buzzing, energised, and feeling like I could do anything. Knowing I needed more of that, and really needing to reset and reconnect to myself I booked onto the Matriarch Adventure with only 8 weeks to go before the trip – “Bring It On” I thought!

Rewind a couple of months before my first ‘real’ mountain climb up Snowdon. The start to this year was a really tough one for me, and to be honest had topped off an incredibly hard few years. My journey into being a Maverick Mum properly started when I had my daughter (who’s now nearly 7). She is my second child and triggered a very deep-rooted need in me to speak my truth and reconnect to my authentic self, something that hadn’t happened with quite the same intensity when I had my son (now 9). It was finally time for me to address some deep wounds stemming from childhood sexual molestation by my father, and the deeply dysfunctional and disassociated family system I’d come from. With the arrival of my own little girl, so my healing journey began.

After decades of unravelling, several years of therapy paved a way through the confusion, and I was finally able to articulate my story and start to share it. Communicating more authentically with my family. Opening up to friends that I’d never dared to before. The more I’ve shared it, the more I can talk about it and make sense of it bit by bit, and the more I own it as part of my story. The story of who I am, the choices I’ve made, the path I’ve walked and how I came to be, well, me.

Cut to the start of this year, and I sent a letter to my estranged father explaining why he doesn’t deserve a relationship with me (or his grandchildren), and the ongoing impact and consequences of his actions. I really can’t overstate that this was no mean feat. It took me 5 years of therapy to be at a place to even contemplate it, 6 months to write the letter, and really a lifetime to articulate and express myself in the way I wanted and needed to. All brought on by the catalyst of motherhood. In the end I felt my letter did adequate justice to my feelings and the devastating impact his actions had and continue to have on my family. The simple request at the heart of my letter was simply for him to take responsibility and ownership of his actions and demonstrate some remorse. I was fully prepared to be totally and wholly unacknowledged. Most importantly for me, I felt empowered to write it and fully own it.

What I didn’t expect was a response within 24 hours. A response full of lies, narcissistic manipulation, control, and outright gaslighting. A response that sent shock waves through my family and seemed to retraumatise everyone in slightly different ways, once again rendering everyone unable to connect with or support each other in any meaningful way. But also, an illuminating response that helped enlighten me to the reality of the abusive, coercive controlled atmosphere I grew up in. A stark reminder and glimpse of the past as it really was, but this time with the benefit and safety of my adult understanding and experience. Perhaps this was just what I needed in my journey to awakening.

On getting this response, my body responded with my back completely seizing up and I was left barely able to walk for a few days. Then the next day (of all days) my beloved godmother died. She was so much more than a godmother, this incredible lady was like a surrogate mother to me, and I believe she saved my life. My godmother looked after me (without any payment) from when I was a 6-week-old baby and my own mum went back to work, to when I was 5. She had so much energy, joy, and love and I always felt safe and loved with her. I believe that this warm, loving, attuned matriarchal influence in these most formative years of my life are what gave me my powerful sense of self to be able to shout “NO” and get free from my father when he attacked me at 10 years old, escaping further abuse although not the neglect and abandonment that followed. I believe the incredible gift she gave me was the intuition and inner knowing to trust in myself and know that I have the strength and power to survive.

The combination of the disappointing response to my letter and my godmother dying sent me reeling emotionally. I wish I could say I did x, y and z, and then I felt better. Because I do feel slightly better than I did a couple of months ago. It’s not quite as clearcut as that, but in some ways, it is as simple. What I did do, was after summitting this metaphorical mountain, I joined the Maverick Mums to climb my first real one, defying the physical manifestation of my sorrow and pain, in my back. And I not only managed it, but I loved it. There was joy, camaraderie, fear, and jeopardy in equal measures (much like life itself). After summiting, it felt particularly treacherous hiking through the snow and ice for a couple of hours. All I could do was put one foot in front of the other and I had NEVER felt so present or alive. And that essentially was the lesson for me. Just put one foot in front of the other. I’ve got this. I can do hard things that I never thought I’d be capable of.

Now sitting here with 1 week to go before I go on my next adventure, what aspect is it really that I’m most afraid of?

Is it about missing my kids? With the ‘digital detox’ there’ll be no WhatsApping and no FaceTime. And they both really want to come with me. My son asked, “Mummy, can I come on the ‘Matriarch-y Adventure’?” to which I laughed and said, “well, it’s not exactly the ‘Matriarch-y’ adventure” while thinking to myself, ‘although this does sound like a fantastic social system….’ He then quickly asked, “what about the Patriarchy Adventure, can I do that?”. Well, I thought to myself, that’s kind of what life is already, isn’t it…? One giant adventure playground for men?! (We’ve recently watched the Barbie movie together, where Ryan Gosling’s Ken finds Patriarchy in the real world and takes it back to Barbieland. It obviously resonated with my son! If you haven’t seen Barbie, then you really must.)

So, what am I most afraid of? I will of course miss my kids. But they’ll be fine. It’s not even the toilet situation (or lack of one). Or the rewilding my hairy legs putting fear into my heart. It’s not even the unknown I’m afraid of, although that’s pretty damn scary. No. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone will definitely be uncomfortable, but that’s the whole point, right? Because in the discomfort, that’s where the growth is. Can I surrender and let go? Go with the flow and lay down my armour of everything I busy myself with, organise, and control on a daily basis.

The truth is what I’m most afraid of, is just being with myself. Allowing myself to feel and sit with those feelings. It’s really not the cheetah or leopard I’m afraid of meeting in the wilderness (although obviously a sighting would be great). I’m most afraid of meeting myself in the wilderness. Coming face to face with her and discovering whether I can be the matriarch I needed, and still very much need for myself.

If you want to explore yourself, connect with other women and embrace new adventures within a supportive community of like-minded women, have a look at some of our Maverick Mum adventures and activities and get in touch.