Connection - it's what life is all about
The wheel of life
Ever feel 'off balance'? Life is so busy, there are only so many hours in the day and often we put all our energy into certain tasks, people, responsibilities and chores and neglect other important areas in our lives. Do this for too long and this can lead to major frustration, stress and even anxiety and depression.
The wheel of life is a great little tool to help identify areas where things aren't going so great and that you want to work on improving. The idea is that you reflect on the different areas of your life (e.g. relationships, home, work, health, spirituality, education etc.). It doesn't take long and before you write it off as some 'cheesy American phsyco BS' hear me out...
The first time I did this, to be honest, it hadn't even occurred to me that you need a 'balance' of various things in your life, in order to be happy! It was a bit of an eye-opener! At the time I was suffering with anxiety, and this exercise really helped give me some clarity and focus as I struggled to get me anxiety 'under control'.
The idea is that you plot how satisfied you are with the different areas your identify as being important in your life.
The area that stood out when I plotted my wheel of life again yesterday was what I titled 'relationships, connection & community'. This time I wasn't that surprised at the outcome, as I have already begun to explore my own need for deeper connections with others. As much as I love my dogs (and they love me), as humans we are wired to connect with one another, it's what life is all about! It's a basic human need (like water, food, shelter) and there's nothing quite like that feeling when someone else just really 'gets you'.
Wired to connect
I have also started to get my head around why I struggle with these connections... I put up barriers, pretend to be someone different (stronger), wear a mask. The mask makes me uncomfortable, misunderstood, lonely. The reason for wearing the mask is fear of being judged, laughed at disliked, but in order to have deep connections I need to be authentic, open, honest... VULNERABLE!
Now, for anyone who knows me I would be described as anything but vulnerable! Self reliant (mum), independent (husband), strong, motivated, even perhaps confident! Frankly being vulnerable scares me, quite a lot. Relying on / needing other people also scares me. The thought of being rejected, disliked, let-down... but how can I have these real connections if I don't show people my vulnerable side and ask for help when I need it?! The answer is, I can't! It's impossible. I have tried.
Back tracking slightly here (bear with me)... the happiest time of my life was in 2004, when at age 23 I travelled, by myself, to Kenya for a 3 week overland trip (which turned in 2 months). To this day, this is the best thing I have ever done. I feel guilty saying this as perhaps I 'should' say it was my wedding day or when my daughter was born, but that would be a lie (clearly these life events are also well up there though).
I always thought the reasons for this were more about falling in love, the excitement of traveling, experiencing new cultures and amazing wildlife, but I now realise the main reason it was so poignant, such a life-defining time, is that I felt completely myself for the first time in my life. I didn't know anyone, no-one knew me, there were no pre-conceptions, no expectations, no social anxiety, just me, being me. It was so easy, I knew who I was, I loved it - it felt like home.
I found this interesting definition of connection, which really sums it up for me...
"Human connection brings complex values to our lives: relationships give us a sense of belonging in the group, a sense of identity in contrast to others in that group, an almost therapeutic support system, and reason not to feel lonely.'
So next time someone tells you they are going travelling to 'find themselves' don't say... "Why are you lost, ha, ha" and think its a load of bollocks - it really does happen!
So here goes with some top tips in the quest for human connection...
Travel (alone)
Look up from your phone (the answers sitting right in front of you and Facebook makes you lonely)
Be yourself
Be vulnerable
Believe in the kindness of others
Smile at people
Ask for help
Talk to strangers (a simple 'hello' could lead to a million great things!)
Listen. Just listen.
Share your stories
Touch people (snigger, snigger)
...and a nice little quote to finish things off...
'Connection is why we are here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.'
Brené Brown
Oh, an in case you want to have a go at the wheel of life yourself you can download it here or just get your paper and felt tips out!