Social anxiety and me

It has a name... 'social anxiety'

For the last year or so, I’ve had my social anxiety a bit more under control, or rather it hasn’t managed to completely control me, but this wasn't always the case. For years I just thought it was just how I was, I suffered, I didn't ask for help and it gradually got worse. It was lonely and miserable.

Millions of people around the world suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia, but despite being the most common type of anxiety disorder and the cause of a great of suffering, it's under-recognised and under-treated.

Because of this most people (like me) aren't aware that this 'thing' which can have such a huge impact on their lives even has a name. Everyone's experience of social anxiety is different, and there are MANY symptoms (both mental and physical), but for those who don't really know what it is, I found this definition:

'Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people. It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life.'

What it felt like for me

I now know that I have suffered with social anxiety since I was in my teens, but I didn't really know what it was until far more recently.

About 4 years ago now my symptoms got so bad it was seriously affecting my everyday life, and I didn't know what to do. The symptoms were no longer just inside my head, they were physical and noticeable, and I couldn't ignore them any longer. I guess perhaps that was the point - my body was telling me 'You need to get some help!'.

At my worst point, physically, I would get a very red, blotchy rash all over my face, neck, chest and back. At first it was just if I had a presentation at work or something I was nervous about, but it developed into being everyday - at work, with friends, at home - nowhere and nobody was 'safe' anymore.

Many times I had to leave meetings or tables when I was out for dinner and go outside to cool off and calm down. It was embarrassing and out of control. It was a viscous circle – as soon as the rash developed, I would just be worrying that people could see it, and what they would think. I felt 'weird'! In the end I didn't even know what was triggering it, I could be totally fine and then as red as a beetroot, heart racing, sweaty - 'a mess' within seconds.

Mentally, I was scared of ANY social encounter (basically life). I hated the focus being on me (unless I'd been drinking), I had no self confidence, no faith in my ability or my intelligence, I was nervous and uncomfortable with everyday tasks which most people take for granted – working, socialising, shopping, traveling, speaking on the phone, driving other people, even just going out of the house was an ordeal, and by this point public performances were out of the question.

'Sufferers tend to be very self-conscious and worried about whether others might be evaluating them negatively. They tend to ruminate over past social incidents, worrying about how they might have come across'.

I refused to be 'beaten' though so I never declined social gatherings, but the ordeal was exhausting. The build up (may start weeks before!), getting ready (this was terrible and I HATED it), the gathering (I was 'ok' once I'd had a couple of glasses of wine), the next day (I would likely be hungover and I would ruminate over, and dissect every detail of the evening (that I could remember), worrying about what I'd said – 'Did I talk too much about myself?', 'Did I say the wrong thing?', what people thought of me, did they even like me?!). These people were my friends and the gatherings were meant to be fun. On the outside I was laughing, joking, dancing, on the inside this was ruining my life.

Asking for help

When I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors they told me it was hives, and gave me some tablets for this. Nothing changed and I was really getting desperate by now. We were about to move house (from Cambridge to Somerset), and I was starting a new job with a lot of responsibility. I went back to the doctors again, and this time I made it clear I was feeling very anxious and needed antidepressants - they gave me 3 months supply.

The antidepressants helped at that point, just enough for me to get my head above water and I stayed on them for about 5 months. I only stayed in the job for 3 weeks, but this was largely due to the long commute. I started working as a freelancer from home and this meant I could avoid a lot of the situations that I was struggling with and for a time it was 'manageable' again, but I knew I didn't want to rely on the antidepressants – I wanted to understand what was happening to me better and why, so I came off of them. I then got worse again...

My heart raced, I felt dizzy, I had night sweats, my sleep was disrupted, I couldn't make eye contact, my skin looked oily and spotty, I kept getting a choking feeling.

I couldn't talk to strangers and starting conversations was a big 'no no'. Mia had just started school and I thought all the other mums hated me, or thought I was rude for not speaking to them. I was chronically insecure about my relationships with others, (including best friends, my husband, my family), hypersensitive to criticism and feared being rejected. My thoughts would spiral. One person not saying 'hello' on the 10-minute walk home from school could have turned into 'my husband doesn't love me and wants to leave me' by the time I got home.

I remember waking up every morning feeling immediately exhausted, my body ached all over with tension around my shoulders, back and neck. I hated the mornings particularly - I found them so stressful. I hated getting ready, hated looking at myself. I was constantly on edge and could 'explode' at any second! I did explode frequently at this point, and this was when I knew I needed more help. I was getting cross with with my husband, my daughter, the dogs. I didn't like who I had become - I was out of control and I needed to do something about it.

I needed to talk to someone, but wasn't ready to talk to my friends or family - I guess I didn't want to be that vulnerable. Late one night I saw a sponsored post on Facebook. I don't remember exactly what it said, but clearly it resonated with me and I reached out for help. I started visiting a Holistic Health and Lifestyle Coach. I spent 6 months visiting Livi in her home and it took this long for me to feel like I had started to get things under control. It was really tough sometimes - I let out a lot of things I'd clearly been holding onto for years, learned ways to recognise and manage my anxiety and started being kinder to myself.

About halfway through the process I decided I was ready to tell my close friends and family. This was a big step for me and they were all rather surprised I think. This 'thing' that I thought was so obvious and noticeable, I was clearly far better at hiding it than I realised. 

'Anxiety I will transform you into something useful and productive. I will not bow down to you'.

I'm not sure I will ever be completely free of social anxiety, but now 2 years on, I continue to improve. Any anxieties I feel now are short-lived - I have learned how to manage it through mindfulness, meditation, running, yoga and other techniques. I refused to be beaten by social anxiety and am far kinder to myself now. 

If any of the above resonates with you, please don't despair,  there is help available, you can overcome the thoughts and feelings that drive Social Anxiety and try to remember – you're not alone.

'Be gentle with yourself your doing the best you can.'